You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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