sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
