the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
