I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
