somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
