I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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