i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
