I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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