My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
