Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
