There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
