someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
