I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
