where am i from again
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
