My Higher Power is John Stamos
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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