Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
