Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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