I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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