if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
