I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Still dying that you shit outside
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
