I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
