She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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