Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
