The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
