I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
