so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
