O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
