I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
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Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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