you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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