So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
