Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
