well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Rumble strips road head = magical
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
