if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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