my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
