Porn is love you can see.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
