she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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