I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
