I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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