people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
