I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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