I think I won the penis lottery.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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