In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
