I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
