Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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