I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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