Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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