I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
