My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
