Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
