Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
