Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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