Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
