there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
