Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
