just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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