one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
