that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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