I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
