how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
